Grateful Senses and other exciting/important thing: March 2012

I'm (was) typing one handed under my bed no judging. for starters I don't know what my dads problem is. He has been way obnoxious lately like more so then usual. (written last night)

If you're asking yourself why are you under your bed? I might respond like my dad is being a jerk and I know he's too fat to look under my bed and wont bother.

The (main) story starts yesterday when I was home and my dad coming down for lunch after I back from school, test taking, and lunch attending. He was telling me all he was going to eat and I asked him to save me some of the leftovers from Sunday (shishkabob bar), I don't him I didn't really care what he was eating for lunch. Then he saw my cookie from my lunch and was like "whose cookie" "mine, dont eat it. " "I'm going to eat your cookie." so he warms his food up and comes and sits down where I am and starts to eat. But he chews with his mouth open and it's so annoying and I've told him before and he makes a big deal that he doesn't make noise when he's chewing but he does and it's loud and annoying. So he finishes and tells me he's going to the doctor I say "I really don't care" and he says "why are you being mean?" "I'm not being mean I just don't care" and I'm trying to watch TV and your making all these phone calls (taking about moving stuff in the garage for a guy to check the heather and how you're going to the doctor then getting rock salt before you put every thing back) from the couch and you talk during the commercials. I like to watch shows in quiet. Sorry I don't like you butting into my life when I'm trying to relax and you don't try to get to know me in the best way and almost every time I need something from you when you're watching the TV I'm completely ignored and you don't even know or your upset because I'm making noise and it's bothering you. So he says"clean up the hallway"

I go upstairs because I was tired and fell asleep on the couch and he calls the house phone then hangs up. he calls again and it rings but I'm in my room on the far side and usually people call for you so I wait to see who the caller id says it is before I start to move and I don't get there in time but I answer the machine and you don't talk. then I call you back and you don't answer because you're calling my cells phone which is in my room and too deaf to notice the "incoming call" noise and so I go open the door because that's usually what you need when you call and you mentioned getting rock salt so then I go to the bathroom then you call again and I miss it so I call you back and you say "come to the garage and do the rock salt" (in a demanding tone) so I take a Cutco knife out to cut the bag and the first thing you says is "if you use that knife you owe me a new one?" "we open boxes with this knife and it's fine" "that knife is forty bucks I'll take it our of your money" "fine" (I accidentally cut my hand walking out of the office trying to answer the phone on a picture frame so it was bleeding) so then you got made at me and demanding it's all my fault and you called the phone 5 times and I explained he hung up 2 times and then called (pretty much the story above in not so many words) and then he got mad and was threatening to take my phone away and how I should take a phone into my room and I said how on earth am I supposed to know when you're going to call. if you want me to answer call my cell phone first because it's usually with me. Then you start taking about how you're going to slap my face because I'm not treating you well and I'm the one getting berated and then you demand I help you more when you clearly said you were the one going to do the rock salt, and put the garage back when you say do you want to do the garage or put the car back I say none because It's not my mess (and I called him last time the closet was open to get more rock salt and you didn't respond so I waited 3 hours and I put it back) and I wasn't going to help and you told me to give you my car keys.

So I went inside and moved all the stuff from the hallway into my room and curled up on the couch and my room and cried because it hurts, I don't deserve to be treated this way. I wanted to spend time with people who make me feel happy, who want to be with me. I thought about calling my brother but he was probably at work, and my sister in law didn't have a car and could have been busy.The only way I'd be allowed to leave was if someone came and picked me up because if I took the car he would probably call the cops and report it stolen. I just wanted a hug but I don't want people to go out of their way for me, I don't want pity. I just wanted a hug. I thought of texting Stewart or Kenzie but they were probably busy and they live in Bluffdale so it's a bit of a drive. then I would need a ride back. I thought of calling my young womens leader but i know she had a dinner last night. And my bikes tires are flat and I would have to go back through the house into the garage to get it. I originally just crammed under my bed for above stated reasons. then about 40 minutes later I cleaned out under my bed and then I had all the room under my bad except for I cant roll over under my bed so it was hard but I stayed under there for 4 hours after I snuck downstairs to get my headphones. there isn't much to do under a bed with limited space. So I went under there about 4 and stayed under till about 8. My mom brought me food at 7 which was nice and the worst part my dad didn't even come to apologize.

So I'm not going to talk to him until he apologizes (in person and he comes to me). I've had enough. I know Jamie is the favorite, and I don't know what I did to be the stress reliever, the one who the anger always get taken out on. I know his dad was a major in whatever branch of Military but he isn't. He doesn't have a reason to treat a person like that anyway. There is no way I'm going to let him treat me like that because I've had enough of it. As a person I don't deserve that. The one thing I want above all else is to be respected and I'm not. I'm yelling at him because he yelled at me for no reason. I wish I cared what you did but I don't because of past experiences. I like keeping my life private because you tell the whole world about my life and I don't want you to and I've told you over and over. You lie to everyone and always blame your sour mood on me for what because I don't stand around to get treated like crap to take everything you throw at me? I fight back because I'm worth more, I'm sorry you don't see my reason for me defending myself because you lie to everyone and somehow "it's always my fault" even when joking around "everything's always my fault" and I can see you think there is truth in the statement and it hurts. Every time you swear at me and threaten to hurt or take something away it hurts and it breaks me, I feel so broken. I wish I could have gone to the barn yesterday because who knows maybe it wouldn't have happened. I want to be loved and respected, I want to feel wanted for being me not because there is a job that needs to be done and I'm too fat to do it myself even though I told people I would.

So why under my bed? It feels safe, I know you wont look there, as long as you have no idea I can still fit it's my safe place. If I can't leave the house because I'll be reported as a runaway or driving the car "you bought for me." You take over the whole house, I'm kind of a big person to hid. I want to feel safe. I hate feeling threatened. It makes me feel like crap when someone treats me like crap. It breaks my heart that I couldn't do more to let someone love me. I couldn't prove to be worth their love and respect.

So because you've only apologized to me twice in my entire life and you shrugged them both off I'm not going to accept it. If you want my respect you have to prove it. I'm sorry I cost so much money, sorry I'm not your servant and I don't treat you like you walk on water. I feel like you treat workers fairly in Shadowbrook, but when it comes to me I feel shafted. I feel like you don't want to know me because you've never put aside the time to. If I want your help with something I always have to repay the time you spent somehow, as if spending time with me, getting to know me isn't enough. When I was little I used to accept how you sometimes treated me because "I was bad" and that's how all the "bad" kids were dealt with. I never realized how punished I was for all the tiny things I did that should have been learning experiences. Maybe I acted out to get your attention because that's the only time I'd get it was when I did something "bad."

My only wish is that I could love you as my dad, and as Heavenly Father loves you because right now it hurts too much to try. I put in and effort and I thought it was getting better. I don't know how the tables turned to fast. It hurts for me to get slapped in the face emotionally, physically, mentally. I can't do it. I don't want to fight but I want protection. I don't feel like they're empty threats you're saying because I've known you for almost 17 and a half years and I know you loose control real fast. I can't be a "punching" bag anymore. I can't be your release anymore. Everyone knows you're fat, you can't run, you don't go to the gym. I wish I could be my siblings kids because they adore their kids. They teach out of love. The punishment isn't an extreme for being a kid and messing up because I'm a kid and kids make mistakes. I am so grateful everyday that I can dance even though it hurts. Because I love it and it helps me release so does working with horses, I can trust them, I don't know if they know what a broken heart is but I'm sure they've felt it, from me and others and they are full of love and trust. I have to earn their trust and they have mine.

I gave a talk on virtue today. If you want to listen (there are pictures of nature and some of me at the very end). I think it's a good talk so feel free to listen, if you don't want to I will not be offended.

Also today which is really tomorrow according to this post I went to the Temple with some friends and it was so good. It was still dark when I came outside at 6:30 so I was sad about that. But Ballet was great today. It was also fantastic on Saturday. A guy taught and it was neat all the things he taught I have a page of things he said that I wrote down after. It's been helping too! I also could bend my foot more then I ever have since my surgery and it was awesome. One of the best classes of my life. It was really challenging. So Yeah. After that I went horse back riding which was also Amazing! It was great! I love it. It was nice and sunny.

I wrote 7 papers for one of my classes last week (I procrastinated which is a really bad idea). Last night we had family dinner and it was great!

This weekend my ward is singing at the adult session of stake conference. I have laurel and priest lunch tomorrow which is going to be fun! New beginnings is on Wednesday. I think that is most of my life for now but yeah.

I'm really excited for ballet club this Saturday because my friend is teaching! :-)