Sunday, November 20, 2011
Horse Major
I can get 2 diploma's online for horses. Horse health and Horse grooming college and they're free. I can't believe it. This is so cool! I'll probably start working on it thanksgiving or Christmas break. Maybe i'll do them both spring and summer semester.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Emotionally drained
I am so emotionally drained right now. Not going to lie, I woke up at 8:30 went to a chem review, came home and watched netflix majority of the day. watched some emotional movies which didn't help. besides the fact that prescription pain killers make me really emotional. I get to wear my boot again because my foot doesn't fit in a shoe. a lot of drama has gone into my regents scholarship. I;m moving on with my life. If you want to watch a good movie (it's emotional, at least i was emotional) it's called "listen to your heart" you can watch the trailer (<-) here.
Friday, November 18, 2011
A great day
Yesterday I went to work and I got to clean up manure, brush off Poka, then we saddled then up and went on lovers lane from 3300 N. to about 4100 N. it was so much fun. It only took like 15 minutes. Poka has had hoof problems, she's been trimmed too short which they been correcting and she currently doesn't have any shoes on. So we start going up the pavement to the trail head and she start limping for no reason. then she stumbled a couple times. turns out when she walks super slow she stumbles. so that was fun. She also doesn't like her cinch tight so the saddle kept slipping to one side. But It was a fun ride. It always make me so calm.
After work I went to a chem study group. It was originally with two guys one of them went to a volleyball game. But the one who keep poking me in class or nudging me, or playing with my stuff and every time I acknowledge him he just says, "hi, sorry, or excuse me" we finally had a conversation. It was so nice. Although sometimes I think I say stupid stuff. like a lot of the time. Originally I sat 3 chairs away from him, then 1 chair then I sat next to him. That was fun. It was cool learning and talking. So it was a great night.
After work I went to a chem study group. It was originally with two guys one of them went to a volleyball game. But the one who keep poking me in class or nudging me, or playing with my stuff and every time I acknowledge him he just says, "hi, sorry, or excuse me" we finally had a conversation. It was so nice. Although sometimes I think I say stupid stuff. like a lot of the time. Originally I sat 3 chairs away from him, then 1 chair then I sat next to him. That was fun. It was cool learning and talking. So it was a great night.
double whammy
So I guess I got stabbed in the back again yesterday. I applied for the regent scholarship which they denied me and I appealed, so did dad. Then it turns out two other Utah powerhouse parents kids got denied as well so Curt Bramble, (Utah senator) which is a good friend to dad has been looking into it and they found I was worthy of the scholarship. they called Diana west my principal twice and both times she denied that I was recognizable for it. I had more then enough credits and she said I retook one class (which I didn't) so I wasn't eligible for it. Way to cover yourself up. It's all about thing I don't value, lying, kissing butt, coming out on top. Yeah I got an honest education, I worked for my grades, i was in school 9 hours a day for 4 years. I was valedictorian, had the most credits, best GPA, 4 years of seminary. I like Science and Math more then History and English. I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed that you've gotten this far in life, and that even though you didn't think I was most likely to succeed in my graduating class. I'm glad I'm at college and I could fail two classes, but I'm taking 17 credit hours, I'll most likely have 2 A's and one B, maybe two C's. And I'm fine with that because that's the grade I know I deserve and that shows how must effort I've been putting into my studies. I'm succeeding for me, and that person has made me stronger all the other times they've put me down and I've proved them wrong. But I didn't lose friends, because they can't stick up for me. Sometimes it hurts because I stuck up for them so ling, and I don't get the same favor, but at least now I' being honest with myself about who I stick up for. I'm not sad I stuck up for them, just disappointed that I didn't get the same courtesy. But I am so thankful for those that do stick up for me, I hope I can do it you you one day.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Look how much I've grown
looking back I think if someone told me 3-10 years ago I wouldn't have anger management issue 3-10 years later. I don't think I ever would have believed them. It was a choice that has made a huge difference in my life. It was one of the hardest things to change at first because Whenever I was frustrated it's like all control would burst and I couldn't control myself. Sometimes now when I'm really stressed I cry, or when I'm really nervous I get antsy and sometimes upset. I think one of the hardest parts was just dropping whatever task made me frustrated and coming back to it later. But I'm happy that I don't have huge tantrums and and freak out uncontrollably.
At the same time I feel like I've turned somewhat into a recluse. I know I've written before about my trust issues. But I know my being a awkward, not really talkative person drives some people away. I know my family would say they never usually hear me stop talking, but I know compared to when I was little I feel like I talk hardly at all. Sometime I feel like when I meet people I say too much for a simple question, and I regret "hogging" the conversation. I've tried so hard to really work on listening to what other people say. I know I can't recall all of what people say, and usually who said it now that I talk to a bunch more people (like 20ish). I know I'm not the best or even a great conversationalist. I know my being a recluse has led to me being unable to pick up on social ques, verbal and physical.
I think ballet helped much more then I could've ever imagined. I hope my teachers know how much I appreciated them. They knew how to get through to me, to get me to stop talking, focus, express my emotions with my body. I think Ballet saved me. I was talking to a family friend yesterday at lunch as she said "ballet made you come alive!" I nodded then thought about it realizing I didn't really understand. so I asked and she said it gave me determination, and focus.
I know with horse back riding when I was younger it was SO SO hard for me to trust, just riding, going over jumps, just riding with other animals around. It wasn't that anything was wrong with the horses or the teacher it was just me, I needed something and I know the horses probably trusted me more then I deserved. But it taught me a lot about trust. I'm glad that I can build that trust now with horses. I missed those horses so much. I poured my love into them and it was so devastating when I couldn't do it anymore.
Since I had foot surgery I can't do much. Today I realized how much I missed dance when I started think of combinations and marking them on campus while I was walking to class. I love my dance friends. We spent so much time together over the 3 years I danced. They knew me for me, it was a family so much of the time. Trust, love, respect.
I know "finding me" is hard sometimes. I think "who am I?" "how much of my own person am I?" "how many people know the real me?" Especially with the last one. It's not that I don't tell the truth to people because I do. Sometimes I think I annoy people with how much I say. Even though it's just the basics of my life. There is a huge wall that is up. It's not a fake wall where I tell everyone lies, but it's protects me, and my thoughts, and my heart, and everything that I wish people would know me as and for. I know it would be easy to say "just let them in then, tear the wall down." The truth is, it's such a struggle for me, to be honest (not that I would lie), to know if I tell a person something they won't walk away, that they won't tell anyone (unless it would harm me to have them not tell anyone and get help), That I could have a good time, and laugh, but also have a serious conversation.
I wish sometimes people would be forthright (straightforward and honest) and pick up that I'm not picking up on them and whatever they are or aren't doing, and say "I'm doing this, this mean this"If they even wanted to add in an explanation for why they're doing it, it would be easier.
I feel that I also make my self more vulnerable.
A little more self explaining. Why I have a hard time letting people touch me. I first heard of this hormone a could years ago on the radio. Oxytocin, is released by skin-to-skin contact, and it creates trust. Some smart people said, "In humans, oxytocin is released during hugging and pleasant physical touch, and plays a part in the human sexual response cycle. It appears to change the brain signals related to social recognition via facial expressions, perhaps by changing the firing of the amygdala, the part of the brain that plays a primary role in the processing of important emotional stimuli. In this way, oxytocin in the brain may be a potent mediator of human social behavior.
“That’s why oxytocin is sometimes called ‘the love hormone,’”said MacDonald. “It’s said that the eyes are the window to the soul…they certainly are the window to the emotional brain. We know that the eye-to-eye communication—which is affected by oxytocin—is critical to intimate emotional communication for all kind of emotions – love, fear, trust, anxiety.”http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/02/080208172104.htm"
There's a interesting tidbit of information. So yeah. I normally don't let people touch me. When I was assistant director of my high school play and i was stressed out. A boy who I've known 3-4 years was in the cast, I was somewhat venting, looking like I was about to cry. He came and just embraced me in a hug. It was a comforting hug, that I needed so badly, I ended up hugging him back and it was a probably a 30 sec -> 1 minute long hug. I don't know how he knew I needed a hug, but it made a huge difference. I learned when people hug me I probably need it, and I should just relax and trust them. Because they can tell if I'm tense and then that makes it awkward. Truth, I'm not used to people touching me. I let my siblings, nieces/nephews and some select friend hug me. But I don't hug that often.
I grown in patience too. But seeing how long this is I should save it for another time. I hope you could follow my train of thoughts with not too much difficulty. Anyways. This is it for now.
At the same time I feel like I've turned somewhat into a recluse. I know I've written before about my trust issues. But I know my being a awkward, not really talkative person drives some people away. I know my family would say they never usually hear me stop talking, but I know compared to when I was little I feel like I talk hardly at all. Sometime I feel like when I meet people I say too much for a simple question, and I regret "hogging" the conversation. I've tried so hard to really work on listening to what other people say. I know I can't recall all of what people say, and usually who said it now that I talk to a bunch more people (like 20ish). I know I'm not the best or even a great conversationalist. I know my being a recluse has led to me being unable to pick up on social ques, verbal and physical.
I think ballet helped much more then I could've ever imagined. I hope my teachers know how much I appreciated them. They knew how to get through to me, to get me to stop talking, focus, express my emotions with my body. I think Ballet saved me. I was talking to a family friend yesterday at lunch as she said "ballet made you come alive!" I nodded then thought about it realizing I didn't really understand. so I asked and she said it gave me determination, and focus.
I know with horse back riding when I was younger it was SO SO hard for me to trust, just riding, going over jumps, just riding with other animals around. It wasn't that anything was wrong with the horses or the teacher it was just me, I needed something and I know the horses probably trusted me more then I deserved. But it taught me a lot about trust. I'm glad that I can build that trust now with horses. I missed those horses so much. I poured my love into them and it was so devastating when I couldn't do it anymore.
Since I had foot surgery I can't do much. Today I realized how much I missed dance when I started think of combinations and marking them on campus while I was walking to class. I love my dance friends. We spent so much time together over the 3 years I danced. They knew me for me, it was a family so much of the time. Trust, love, respect.
I know "finding me" is hard sometimes. I think "who am I?" "how much of my own person am I?" "how many people know the real me?" Especially with the last one. It's not that I don't tell the truth to people because I do. Sometimes I think I annoy people with how much I say. Even though it's just the basics of my life. There is a huge wall that is up. It's not a fake wall where I tell everyone lies, but it's protects me, and my thoughts, and my heart, and everything that I wish people would know me as and for. I know it would be easy to say "just let them in then, tear the wall down." The truth is, it's such a struggle for me, to be honest (not that I would lie), to know if I tell a person something they won't walk away, that they won't tell anyone (unless it would harm me to have them not tell anyone and get help), That I could have a good time, and laugh, but also have a serious conversation.
I wish sometimes people would be forthright (straightforward and honest) and pick up that I'm not picking up on them and whatever they are or aren't doing, and say "I'm doing this, this mean this"If they even wanted to add in an explanation for why they're doing it, it would be easier.
I feel that I also make my self more vulnerable.
A little more self explaining. Why I have a hard time letting people touch me. I first heard of this hormone a could years ago on the radio. Oxytocin, is released by skin-to-skin contact, and it creates trust. Some smart people said, "In humans, oxytocin is released during hugging and pleasant physical touch, and plays a part in the human sexual response cycle. It appears to change the brain signals related to social recognition via facial expressions, perhaps by changing the firing of the amygdala, the part of the brain that plays a primary role in the processing of important emotional stimuli. In this way, oxytocin in the brain may be a potent mediator of human social behavior.
“That’s why oxytocin is sometimes called ‘the love hormone,’”said MacDonald. “It’s said that the eyes are the window to the soul…they certainly are the window to the emotional brain. We know that the eye-to-eye communication—which is affected by oxytocin—is critical to intimate emotional communication for all kind of emotions – love, fear, trust, anxiety.”http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/02/080208172104.htm"
There's a interesting tidbit of information. So yeah. I normally don't let people touch me. When I was assistant director of my high school play and i was stressed out. A boy who I've known 3-4 years was in the cast, I was somewhat venting, looking like I was about to cry. He came and just embraced me in a hug. It was a comforting hug, that I needed so badly, I ended up hugging him back and it was a probably a 30 sec -> 1 minute long hug. I don't know how he knew I needed a hug, but it made a huge difference. I learned when people hug me I probably need it, and I should just relax and trust them. Because they can tell if I'm tense and then that makes it awkward. Truth, I'm not used to people touching me. I let my siblings, nieces/nephews and some select friend hug me. But I don't hug that often.
I grown in patience too. But seeing how long this is I should save it for another time. I hope you could follow my train of thoughts with not too much difficulty. Anyways. This is it for now.
Good pains
remember how I mentioned I rode a horse on Monday? well that was the first time sense the beginning of July. I don't remember being this sore. Maybe I'm a wimp. But I have rediscovered muscles I felt in ballet. It's totally worth it though. I love riding horses.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
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