Look how much I've grown

looking back I think if someone told me 3-10 years ago I wouldn't have anger management issue 3-10 years later. I don't think I ever would have believed them. It was a choice that has made a huge difference in my life. It was one of the hardest things to change at first because Whenever I was frustrated it's like all control would burst and I couldn't control myself. Sometimes now when I'm really stressed I cry, or when I'm really nervous I get antsy and sometimes upset. I think one of the hardest parts was just dropping whatever task made me frustrated and coming back to it later. But I'm happy that I don't have huge tantrums and and freak out uncontrollably.

At the same time I feel like I've turned somewhat into a recluse. I know I've written before about my trust issues. But I know my being a awkward, not really talkative person drives some people away. I know my family would say they never usually hear me stop talking, but I know compared to when I was little I feel like I talk hardly at all. Sometime I feel like when I meet people I say too much for a simple question, and I regret "hogging" the conversation. I've tried so hard to really work on listening to what other people say. I know I can't recall all of what people say, and usually who said it now that I talk to a bunch more people (like 20ish).  I know I'm not the best or even a great conversationalist. I know my being a recluse has led to me being unable to pick up on social ques, verbal and physical.

I think ballet helped much more then I could've ever imagined. I hope my teachers know how much I appreciated them. They knew how to get through to me, to get me to stop talking, focus, express my emotions with my body. I think Ballet saved me. I was talking to a family friend yesterday at lunch as she said "ballet made you come alive!" I nodded then thought about it realizing I didn't really understand. so I asked and she said it gave me determination, and focus.

I know with horse back riding when I was younger it was SO SO hard for me to trust, just riding, going over jumps, just riding with other animals around. It wasn't that anything was wrong with the horses or the teacher it was just me, I needed something and I know the horses probably trusted me more then I deserved. But it taught me a lot about trust. I'm glad that I can build that trust now with horses. I missed those horses so much. I poured my love into them and it was so devastating when I couldn't do it anymore.

Since I had foot surgery I can't do much. Today I realized how much I missed dance when I started think of combinations and marking them on campus while I was walking to class. I love my dance friends. We spent so much time together over the 3 years I danced. They knew me for me, it was a family so much of the time. Trust, love, respect.

I know "finding me" is hard sometimes. I think "who am I?" "how much of my own person am I?" "how many people know the real me?" Especially with the last one. It's not that I don't tell the truth to people because I do. Sometimes I think I annoy people with how much I say. Even though it's just the basics of my life. There is a huge wall that is up. It's not a fake wall where I tell everyone lies, but it's protects me, and my thoughts, and my heart, and everything that I wish people would know me as and for. I know it would be easy to say "just let them in then, tear the wall down." The truth is, it's such a struggle for me, to be honest (not that I would lie), to know if I tell a person something they won't walk away, that they won't tell anyone (unless it would harm me to have them not tell anyone and get help), That I could have a good time, and laugh, but also have a serious conversation.

I wish sometimes people would be forthright (straightforward and honest) and pick up that I'm not picking up on them and whatever they are or aren't doing, and say "I'm doing this, this mean this"If they even wanted to add in an explanation for why they're doing it, it would be easier.

I feel that I also make my self more vulnerable.


  A little more self explaining. Why I have a hard time letting people touch me. I first heard of this hormone a could years ago on the radio. Oxytocin, is released by skin-to-skin contact, and it creates trust. Some smart people said, "In humans, oxytocin is released during hugging and pleasant physical touch, and plays a part in the human sexual response cycle. It appears to change the brain signals related to social recognition via facial expressions, perhaps by changing the firing of the amygdala, the part of the brain that plays a primary role in the processing of important emotional stimuli. In this way, oxytocin in the brain may be a potent mediator of human social behavior.
“That’s why oxytocin is sometimes called ‘the love hormone,’”said MacDonald. “It’s said that the eyes are the window to the soul…they certainly are the window to the emotional brain. We know that the eye-to-eye communication—which is affected by oxytocin—is critical to intimate emotional communication for all kind of emotions – love, fear, trust, anxiety.”http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/02/080208172104.htm"

There's a interesting tidbit of information. So yeah. I normally don't let people touch me. When I was assistant director of my high school play and i was stressed out. A boy who I've known 3-4 years was in the cast, I was somewhat venting, looking like I was about to cry. He came and just embraced me in a hug. It was a comforting hug, that I needed so badly, I ended up hugging him back and it was a probably a 30 sec -> 1 minute long hug. I don't know how he knew I needed a hug, but it made a huge difference. I learned when people hug me I probably need it, and I should just relax and trust them. Because they can tell if I'm tense and then that makes it awkward. Truth, I'm not used to people touching me. I let my siblings, nieces/nephews and some select friend hug me. But I don't hug that often.

I grown in patience too. But seeing how long this is I should save it for another time. I hope you could follow my train of thoughts with not too much difficulty. Anyways. This is it for now.